Several years ago, I had surgery that put me into sudden menopause, along with triggering my body into another autoimmune disorder. This one is called Mast Cell Activation Disease. My body is always in a state of allergic reactions to so many things. For so long I have just focused on the food allergies that I have. However, last Saturday I could hardly breath. For two nights I had been awake due to the rattling and wheezing in my chest. I had a neighbor that is a home health care nurse come over and listen to my chest to get her opinion. She said she heard the rattling and thought I should get into a doctor that day. I haven't had a current doctor for the past couple of years as the last one I went to moved to Arizona and I have been self-treating with food supplements. So I was finally able to get into a local doctor and see his PA. She listened to my lungs and said she really didn't hear anything, but as I talked to her about my disorder she then began to ask questions. As she did I think she began to see a pattern and she told me she thought I was having an allergic reaction to all of the pollens that are now coming on with Spring. This threw me for a loop. I hadn't thought I would have any kind of environmental allergic reactions! But there you have it. So for the last week she has treated me with an antihistamine, a nasal inhaler, an asthma medication and a stomach antihistamine. It is strange to take all of those medications. I am used to taking a handful of supplements in the mornings and a few at night before I go to bed, but not meds. I am feeling somewhat better. Once in awhile I still feel like I have a heaviness in my chest, but I don't have as much rattling and I am now able to sleep.
One thing that I haven't ever talked about with this disorder is the depression and anxiety that I seem to deal with. Years ago when I had my twins, I struggled with some depression. But after a year or so I was able to overcome it and life went on again as normal. With this new disorder, I seem to struggle with depression and panic attacks. The depression seems to always be there lingering in the back ground waiting to rear it's ugly head. Some days I could just cry all day and lay in bed, but I make myself get up and do something. Some days I don't get dressed until one in the afternoon and some days I just put on sweats and sit around all day. When Sam and I drive to Salt Lake I often have anxiety when we are in a lot of traffic and I don't have control. He tries to understand, but I know it is hard for him to relate to how hard of a time I have. I try to make our days as normal as I can, but some days it is so hard. I often wonder how he stays with me. I think he so deserves a better wife than I am. I have gained quite a bit of weight since I got this disorder. I would love to be the thin wife he married, but when I exercise it sets off reactions and to be honest there are days I cannot exercise because of my depression. In my head I know it is a vicious cycle, but I can't make myself exercise. There have been times that I have laid in bed and planned my death and wondered if anyone would even care if I were gone. I think how my family would be better off without me. I know this negative self-talk doesn't help, but sometimes I can't help it and I wonder if it comes from those fallen angles that serve Satan because they know how hard of a time I am having.
So today I began listening to a book by Jane Clayton on depression and she said something that I have been struggling with. For so long now I have tried to live so I can be closer to the Spirit. I think I have felt Him once or twice since this all began, but often I don't know why I struggle to feel Him. I am going to church, even though more often than not I would much rather stay at home in bed. I have been trying to attend the Temple more, but that is hard to do sometimes too. In her book Jane said that those of our religion struggle with the aspect of feeling lonely and worthless and that even if Heavenly Father could help, we feel that because we aren't worth His love He wouldn't help. She then talked about how much of the research about depression is based the physical aspects of depression. The chemical make up of the brain and how it's functions and malfunctions effect our minds and bodies. But she also said that depressions spiritual symptoms are just as real. This began to hit home as I listened. She said that in Doctrine and Covenants 88:15 it says, "And the spirit and the body are the soul of man." The two are inextricably linked. What affects the body also affects the spirit. This hit me so hard! It isn't that the Spirit has left me, but perhaps because my body isn't working correctly, I am not feeling the Spirit correctly.
So perhaps somehow I need to try to do something about my depression and anxiety and then I can be closer to the Spirit. I guess the question is "How do I do this? Who can I go to that can help me? What is my next step for help?" In the reading I have done regarding my disorder, many of the depression medications are triggers for more problems with this disorder. I have a lot of research to do and more listening to do to see if there is some way that I can counter what is going on in my mind and body. As I am listening to this book it gives me hope. I am not alone and perhaps someone out there can help.
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